"The Preachers chiefly shall take heed that they teach nothing in their preaching, which they would have the people religiously to observe and believe, but that which is agreeable to the Doctrine of the Old Testament and the New, and that which the Catholick Fathers and Ancient Bishops have gathered out of that Doctrine." A proposed canon of Elizabeth I, 1571

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Location: Bedford, Texas, United States

I am a presbyter in the diocese of Fort Worth, Texas (Anglican Church in North America). I serve as Chaplain at St. Vincent's School and as a canon of St. Vincent's Cathedral Church in Bedford, Texas. In addition to my parish duties and teaching Religion classes in the school I am also the Middle School Social Studies teacher.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

A Rare Tapestry Find by Julian

In this rare 11th-century tapestry, depicting an otherwise unknown new priest saying his first Mass, the hapless neophyte is experiencing a maniple malfunction. Senior priests of his diocese chide him for his carelessness. Credit Julian with this remarkable discovery.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the bishop's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2:31 PM  
Blogger texanglican said...


3:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And this took place in the 11th century city-state of Fortissimus Worth? Hmmm...

8:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As an unqualified expert in medieval tapestries and cookery, I can safely conclude that this tapestry is a rank forgery. Not only were there no Anglicans in Texas until the middle of the thirteenth century at best (see "Upping the Ante," my three volume study on the true origins of Anglicanism amid 12th century Nevada casino culture), but the spelling on the tapestry is atrocious! "Entyre"? Everyone knows the proper spelling is "Intyre." Do not be taken in!

8:53 AM  
Blogger Julian said...

Ahh, the pitfalls of relying too heavily on pollen analysis.

You, too, can create rank forgeries at:
Historic Tale Construction Kit

1:44 AM  
Blogger Julian said...


Note that the email function DOES NOT seem to work.

Make a SCREENSHOT to save your work!

1:46 AM  

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